The Forgiving Self by Robert Karen Ph.D

Author:Robert Karen, Ph.D. [Karen, Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-76515-4
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2011-03-22T16:00:00+00:00

A PASSION FOR ENEMIES

The need for enemies is an integral part of the magnetic pull toward victimization and revenge. Richard Nixon apparently loved having enemies so much he compiled lists of them, as a miser might compile lists of his holdings. He abjured taking responsibility for what befell him, seeing in all that went wrong for him the insidious work of Big-money Jews or the Eastern Establishment or the Kennedy Cartel. In his famous speech after losing the gubernatorial race in California in 1962, Nixon put his barely controllable paranoia on display for the nation, blaming the press for having a vendetta against him. Then, his lips curling in a tortured smile, he suggested that the newsmen would be sorry to lose him, because, after all, “You won’t have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore.” Nixon’s sense of persecution was so acute that, on this occasion, it extended to his own campaign workers, whom, he insinuated, had betrayed him by failing to get out the vote. He seemed destined to enact in public life the disturbing tendencies of character that others, like Thérèse and Jeff, exhibit, perhaps less floridly, in private, and still others feel but keep in check—tendencies that we can all identify with in some horrible way.

The state of mind exemplified here is the black-and-white universe of the baby, where hate and fury exist in pure states, unmediated by any awareness of mitigating circumstances, good intentions, human limitations, or what happened the day before yesterday, and where love is equally immaculate. As we’ve seen, it is emotionally satisfying for the child to divide his mother in two, so that when she is abusive, she is a hideous monster he wants to kill and when she is kind, a saint who deserves canonization. (Nixon referred to his mother as “a saint.”) In adult life a similar need may cause a man to see his wife as a horrible bitch and have a fantasy lover (an actress or a married friend) who is perfect. Then, like the child, he can hate full throttle and pine full throttle and not be troubled by ambivalence. Or he may see his wife as a monster when she’s angry or demanding, a goddess to merge with during sex. Meanwhile, he can project all of his own hatred and sadism onto the ugly, persecuting witch and remain pure himself. This is what infants do, what developing children do less and less, what remains a factor in adult psychology, especially under stress, and what is a larger factor in disturbed psychology, especially strong perhaps in what is known in psychiatry as borderline and schizoid personality disorders.

A passion for enemies and revenge is an aspect of this mindset, and it can be addictive. Having an enemy gives you full access to negative emotions of immense power. You don’t have to hold yourself back to evaluate or consider the other person’s point of view. You never have to second-guess yourself or feel guilty. This is a world without self-doubt, without compromise, and certainly without forgiveness.

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